Double take

Sitting in my balcony sipping tea, I notice cloud bubbles in the sky. Beautiful phenomenon. A pattern from the nature. How many blessed people would have noticed such things? 

I took the mobile. Clicked the pic. Thought of posting an Insta story. That’s what I would have done few years ago. Or maybe a full fledged post with “deep” meaning or random captions which either would evoke a ? reply from the new “Gen Z”, or make people think for a moment what weirdo I am. But that’s in the past. I see how the photo turned out and then deleted it. 

Why I did that? My mind was tricking me into negative thinking. Throwing me questions( Sawal pe sawal dialogue). Why you want to clutter your mobile phone storage? Aren’t you already paying for Google photo storage? Don’t you remember the kiddo asking why I was having strange photos like these when Google nostalgia aunty throws memories on the front page? And then the deep ones. What purpose does it serve to save these many photos? Why can’t you just enjoy the moment? Listen to all the past and future gurus, presently called as influencers, preach to us. Be present. 

So I looked up again, and I see the pattern is fading. I took a picture again.

I listened to the gut instinct. Why? Mainly because I never had a liking towards the Gurus and the new influencers. And as per “Thinking fast and slow”, and other “self help books based on science”, which I have started but not(or never) completed yet, the invisible powers of the soul in your mind do know better. In the hope that we have feeding nourishing food for thought and avoiding junk, I believe it will guide us in dire circumstances like these. 

Did you do any double takes today? 

NB: Blogpost drafted on

June Musings – Random Tidbits

.:. As school reopened got time to watch few things on tv. The latest being 12 final days on Federer. I had never heard of Roger Federer until I came to settle down in Bangalore after my marriage. Benefits of marriage huh? 

As explained my journey into sports, Federer was an important part of my initial years in Bangalore, watching him, knowing more about him. But when life happened, the sports ran away from our lives like the soft toy we all cuddled in our childhood which remains as a show piece in our living rooms. I came to know about his retirement on Twitter/Instagram through his personal message to fans. And then the iconic image of the two blue men, sharing tears over the end of their professional relationship.

While scouting past the Federer post, I stumbled upon the mindless ramblings I made on blog. Made me think of my early days of blogging when I blogged without a tinge of shame but with full vulnerability, way before I came across Brene Brown books. A thought of what if I could restart them. I realised how much I have accumulated the shame and the fear of what others think. Though I proclaim I dont have them anymore, I could see its invisible hands creating a wall around me and trapping in. And I presume its the same for many other bloggers who dont blog much about their personal lives, instead writing professionally or to create SEO based essays to bring in more ranking and page hits or look plain geeky!

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Daily routine

I woke up at 6 today. Then I picked the milk packets and newspapers from the door. Helped him and kids to get up like an alarm. Checked the news and tasks for today. Made breakfast and lunch through upliance. Sent them all to school and office.  Did the sweeping mopping and kept the trash out. The sunrise was beautiful to watch. Sunny weather.

During the day, I made the bed, did laundry, made evening snacks and dinner, played with kids after school, helped them with their homework, watered the balcony plants. Figured out a few movies to watch over weekend. And downloaded some audiobooks and podcasts.

On his arrival, evening tea was done, dinner served, dishes done, and dining table was cleaned, leftovers kept in fridge. I chose the music to be played in evening for kids. Also wrote some tasks and reminders for tomorrow. They all slept afterwards .

I didn’t sleep. I recharge myself. I hibernate. I am Her.

Enjoying the white space within

Being with yourself.

It was an idea I could never understand. People who want to spend time with themselves. Going solo trips. On hiking trips. It sounded scary to hear when you have read stories of people getting isolated on an island. Like what if you needed help. What if something happens. What if that what if this. Uncertainty of the future. 

Few years ago, I would have laughed if someone asked me to go for solo walk on nearby beach. Some people do that, taking a walk to clear their mind. It’s a not-so-extreme version of the solo trips. I used to feel sorry for such people thinking life is only meant to be enjoyed with other people. If you are alone then you are lonely. Years later I could understand and also reflect back that I have been lonely in crowded places too.

I used to complain as a child that I am getting bored. I don’t think I had these thoughts to run away from as a child but there was hyperactive energy in my mind to do something. I could see the same pattern in my child. I don’t label it boredom anymore. Instead it’s the unmet need of experiencing new activities to satisfy the bubbling inner curiosity.

Being on your own even if it’s for 1 hour or 1 year sound simple but may need confidence to be with yourself and be comfortable with yourself. And that is a self imposed roadblock with many who are running away from their mental chatter. When there are no distractions in the form of people, vehicles, or technology you are left with the voices in your head. Some say they don’t even hear it. I was surprised to hear that. Maybe it’s true. Or maybe they don’t identify the voices. Or they may have accepted that these voices are themselves and hence are accustomed to it. The ones who are uncomfortable, dislikes these voices as they are mostly negative chatter representing the inner fears. I did try meditation on headspace for a month. It calmed me down indeed but I don’t think I am ready to do the same for hours. Not because I have to work or do other things but for the mere reason that these thoughts alleviate the anxiety in me. We keep consuming from YouTube, Instagram or WhatsApp constantly to avoid few minutes of “boredom”. I see the older generation too. Not sure whether it’s a boon or bane. The phone calls they often get are filled with gossip and sob stories of loneliness after the death of someone they know or the fear of their own death or bad health could be worse for their anxieties. Read a tweet that the marathoners are in huge numbers because they want to get away from these thoughts and rely on physical exhaustion to drive them away.

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Book review – The color of God

The great amazon sale offered the book, “The color of god” by Ayesha Chaudhry at a mere Rs.59/- in October. The title and the cover looked impressive. The blurb was about traditional Islamic childhood which was a mystery to me owing to the fact I didn’t had much contacts in real world. On a whim I got it to read and I am not regretting it now.

The events of the book were relatable, as irrespective of religion, conservative and patriarchal methods were the same all around the world. After a while it would seem recurring and boring to read the same old story and the same impact on the author, but that’s how these conservative ideas get drilled into the new generation. The only difference, as a reader we can easily put off the book but while growing up in the same house, amidst the same environment, groups, and the circle, it’s inevitable to not fall for it. It reminded how, as a child I used to question the existence of God and the story behind the rituals and how we had to follow it through even if it didn’t make sense. It reminded me of how whether be it any religion, belief and faith arises out of necessity to connect with other people. And how why we end up relying on religion to belong somewhere. The identity crisis of the older generation could be easily solved with religion and the connected rituals.

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Something beautiful – K Drama

After months of inactivity in post creation, I thought of bouncing back using photo challenge on Instagram as always. But this time too I got distracted but for health reasons and couldn’t complete it beyond the second day. I kept thinking about the prompts though.

The prompt for the third day was “something beautiful” and I can’t think of anything else other than tv shows which shows beautiful relationships. I feel like I am taken to a fantasy dreamland of ideal and perfect relations so that we can forget the imperfections in real life. And we hang onto those visuals because it gives the hope that such stories exists. If not there is no hope in real life and we fall apart dejected. We find reasonings and justify the flaws in reel characters but we hesitate to do that ourselves in real life. Instead we end up demanding perfection from ourselves. We forget that life is indeed beautiful with all its ups and downs but rely on these creative arts to show that mirror to ourselves.

The K drama (Korean dramas) addiction is catching up onto me now. Yes, the actors are handsome indeed but the surprising fact is how the culture is so closely related to that of India. Some of the romantic dramas are so beautiful that it looks like a fairy tale.

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