100 words again

The last month of 2024. The retrospective posts and resolution posts will start soon across the blogging world. The last few days, I have been posting on thinkdeli daily, as part of writing challenge and I really loved it. Also realised that, why I don’t post in this blog anymore is because of the perfectionist attitude. How much ever I accept it, the doubt creeps in and I give up in midway creating drafts and diary entries rather than posts. The aim was to write just 100 words in a day. Remember how we used to write dribble(55 words) and drabble(100 words)? Writing stories at once is more harder when I am not used to having a writing habit. So I set free write 100 words as the minimum for now. Let’s see how far it will go.

Heavy books of 2024

The year 2024 has been good for my reading goals. The goodreads challenge is completed and the streak goes on. Thankfully no slump yet. The major successes was in completing two heavy books, namely ‘Shantaram‘ and ‘The covenant of water‘.

Shantaram

Initially the huge book with so many pages intimidated me. I even left the book the first time since I couldn’t overcome the page barrier. The next time, I kept pursuing Lin and his journey in India. The writing was very fluid. There were many quotable lines at which I had to break and take breaths. They all looked simple but seemed like deep introspective quotes of intelligent man. Somewhere along the line I found out that its based on true events and that really spiked me up. More than the observed descriptions of the nature, physical attributes of Indian society, I admire how he could tap into the positive aspects of Indian culture, while being not brainwashed into it or admonishing how the culture could squeeze and acts as chains. A balanced approach as in seeing the positives though not ignoring the negatives and this is mainly in the form of emotions. There is no questioning of why Karla is aloof or blaming the corruption of India etc. It just describes the events and also his thoughts around them. The section on Afghanistan was the most boring but yet most horrific too. To get a view on how the minds have become corrupted to the idea of religion, for which you can kill and live the worst life is mind boggling. The ending of the book invites you to the continue onto the second book, but I needed a break. Its difficult to digest the truths regarding his deep philosophical thoughts and complexities of human minds, and the stories revolving around friendships and enemies that form in adverse situations and how they betray and for what reasons.

The covenant of water

The covenant of water‘ was much discussed in another book club nearby. Its blurb description of Kerala reminded me of ‘God of small things‘ by Arundhati Roy which I read much long ago, so long that I have even forgotten the story. There were parts of the book which resembled the House of Blue Mangoes by Davidar. Maybe its because of the same era.  The book is heavy because of the number of deaths that happen across the seven decades and three generations. Some of them were shocking twists and pulls you into depression just like how the characters feel. Some of the quotes seem to be from Bible and famous books, which the author has given references to. The element of medicinal terms and surgical scenes description can creep the faint hearted ones like me with good imagination. Also the leprosy topic keeps coming back again and again and forces you to face that disease and the patients who were avoided both in real and in the book. In between, the book slowed me down with Naxalites and the slow pace. The twist in the end makes it worthwhile.

Both books send me on research journeys on google. Shantaram sent me on a search to figure out the real Lin, GDR, who is almost invisible on internet. The real locations and interviews available on Youtube were a revelation. For ‘The covenant of water‘ book, I had to find out more on the real Condition and the leprosy disease. I never knew that poking a brain could not induce pain! 

Double take

Sitting in my balcony sipping tea, I notice cloud bubbles in the sky. Beautiful phenomenon. A pattern from the nature. How many blessed people would have noticed such things? 

I took the mobile. Clicked the pic. Thought of posting an Insta story. That’s what I would have done few years ago. Or maybe a full fledged post with “deep” meaning or random captions which either would evoke a ? reply from the new “Gen Z”, or make people think for a moment what weirdo I am. But that’s in the past. I see how the photo turned out and then deleted it. 

Why I did that? My mind was tricking me into negative thinking. Throwing me questions( Sawal pe sawal dialogue). Why you want to clutter your mobile phone storage? Aren’t you already paying for Google photo storage? Don’t you remember the kiddo asking why I was having strange photos like these when Google nostalgia aunty throws memories on the front page? And then the deep ones. What purpose does it serve to save these many photos? Why can’t you just enjoy the moment? Listen to all the past and future gurus, presently called as influencers, preach to us. Be present. 

So I looked up again, and I see the pattern is fading. I took a picture again.

I listened to the gut instinct. Why? Mainly because I never had a liking towards the Gurus and the new influencers. And as per “Thinking fast and slow”, and other “self help books based on science”, which I have started but not(or never) completed yet, the invisible powers of the soul in your mind do know better. In the hope that we have feeding nourishing food for thought and avoiding junk, I believe it will guide us in dire circumstances like these. 

Did you do any double takes today? 

NB: Blogpost drafted on thinkdeli.com

June Musings – Random Tidbits

.:. As school reopened got time to watch few things on tv. The latest being 12 final days on Federer. I had never heard of Roger Federer until I came to settle down in Bangalore after my marriage. Benefits of marriage huh? 

As explained my journey into sports, Federer was an important part of my initial years in Bangalore, watching him, knowing more about him. But when life happened, the sports ran away from our lives like the soft toy we all cuddled in our childhood which remains as a show piece in our living rooms. I came to know about his retirement on Twitter/Instagram through his personal message to fans. And then the iconic image of the two blue men, sharing tears over the end of their professional relationship.

While scouting past the Federer post, I stumbled upon the mindless ramblings I made on blog. Made me think of my early days of blogging when I blogged without a tinge of shame but with full vulnerability, way before I came across Brene Brown books. A thought of what if I could restart them. I realised how much I have accumulated the shame and the fear of what others think. Though I proclaim I dont have them anymore, I could see its invisible hands creating a wall around me and trapping in. And I presume its the same for many other bloggers who dont blog much about their personal lives, instead writing professionally or to create SEO based essays to bring in more ranking and page hits or look plain geeky!

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Daily routine

I woke up at 6 today. Then I picked the milk packets and newspapers from the door. Helped him and kids to get up like an alarm. Checked the news and tasks for today. Made breakfast and lunch through upliance. Sent them all to school and office.  Did the sweeping mopping and kept the trash out. The sunrise was beautiful to watch. Sunny weather.

During the day, I made the bed, did laundry, made evening snacks and dinner, played with kids after school, helped them with their homework, watered the balcony plants. Figured out a few movies to watch over weekend. And downloaded some audiobooks and podcasts.

On his arrival, evening tea was done, dinner served, dishes done, and dining table was cleaned, leftovers kept in fridge. I chose the music to be played in evening for kids. Also wrote some tasks and reminders for tomorrow. They all slept afterwards .

I didn’t sleep. I recharge myself. I hibernate. I am Her.

Enjoying the white space within

Being with yourself.

It was an idea I could never understand. People who want to spend time with themselves. Going solo trips. On hiking trips. It sounded scary to hear when you have read stories of people getting isolated on an island. Like what if you needed help. What if something happens. What if that what if this. Uncertainty of the future. 

Few years ago, I would have laughed if someone asked me to go for solo walk on nearby beach. Some people do that, taking a walk to clear their mind. It’s a not-so-extreme version of the solo trips. I used to feel sorry for such people thinking life is only meant to be enjoyed with other people. If you are alone then you are lonely. Years later I could understand and also reflect back that I have been lonely in crowded places too.

I used to complain as a child that I am getting bored. I don’t think I had these thoughts to run away from as a child but there was hyperactive energy in my mind to do something. I could see the same pattern in my child. I don’t label it boredom anymore. Instead it’s the unmet need of experiencing new activities to satisfy the bubbling inner curiosity.

Being on your own even if it’s for 1 hour or 1 year sound simple but may need confidence to be with yourself and be comfortable with yourself. And that is a self imposed roadblock with many who are running away from their mental chatter. When there are no distractions in the form of people, vehicles, or technology you are left with the voices in your head. Some say they don’t even hear it. I was surprised to hear that. Maybe it’s true. Or maybe they don’t identify the voices. Or they may have accepted that these voices are themselves and hence are accustomed to it. The ones who are uncomfortable, dislikes these voices as they are mostly negative chatter representing the inner fears. I did try meditation on headspace for a month. It calmed me down indeed but I don’t think I am ready to do the same for hours. Not because I have to work or do other things but for the mere reason that these thoughts alleviate the anxiety in me. We keep consuming from YouTube, Instagram or WhatsApp constantly to avoid few minutes of “boredom”. I see the older generation too. Not sure whether it’s a boon or bane. The phone calls they often get are filled with gossip and sob stories of loneliness after the death of someone they know or the fear of their own death or bad health could be worse for their anxieties. Read a tweet that the marathoners are in huge numbers because they want to get away from these thoughts and rely on physical exhaustion to drive them away.

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