Working on relations

Why do we fight with people who are close to us? If they already know our behavior and habits and how we think, isn’t it easy to understand. This is what provoked me to dig deeper today.

Expectations. From a stranger, I don’t expect anything other than normal social behavior of decent manners. There is no rules on how to behave, but we should not be rude or angry without provoking. That is what I expect. Its okay if he does not speak anything, keep a neutral face and all that. But with family and friends, the expectations is bit more personal. You have been mingling with them a lot, so you expect them to share with you, understand your viewpoint if not agree, listen to your good and bad moments, and even offer solutions when in distress. And when any one of these does not happen, disappointment and frustration occurs which can take form of arguments while expressing. If its regarding viewpoint, some would say its a debate, and a healthy one, (For example, myself), but I just searched the internet, and found we end up mostly arguing and rarely fight or debate. I personally now think its discussion and not debate, if we want to put forward our opinions. But for other expectations, like some emotional attitude, sharing the day to day moments,listening etc, it ends up in argument.

And then there are some people who can even be motivating and inspirational. The strange thing is they need not be family or friends alone. They can be strangers too who we may not know at all, but can easily understand our thought process, viewpoint, our state of feeling etc. It would have been very comforting and the equation would have been great if there is someone in your family who does that. But these days, it seems its very rare. Why would otherwise people seek the help of internet to find help, support and answers?

From long time, one of the outsider has been religion and the spiritual talks. Then there were the self-help books (which i find more preaching more than inspirational). For women, there were the gossip, which is like the chicken soup series, where you hear other people stories which can be inspirational, or to find solace that there are other people with similar lives or to find tips and tricks on how to lead a better life. And now the internet.

I know people are different; there can be different kind of people and even within a family. And that is why I feel communication is so important. You can agree to disagree, but that needs to be conveyed. You may be shy to speak out directly; you can use indirect methods, like letter, mail, sms, but express. It all depends on how you want to work it out. Not one, but from both parties. I still have problem of communicating with parents, but I try leaving subtle hints, or I push it to back of mind, that I would do convey one day gracefully and without being mean, and that is something I am still working on. But the attitude should be of never giving up. The same goes with spouse or partners.

When two people form a new relation, the first step is to understand. When N was born, it was a new relation to me, and to her. With the help of others and by practice over time, I was in a better position to understand her better than she could understand me. So I need to be lenient, patient, understanding and all that. But still, I am a human being, and I may lose control. At times. And those timings may be frequent too. She may not behave according to my expectations, and sometimes, I may not get the reasons of her crying. So we both bear the grunt. But over time, the frequency may be replaced with better understanding of the situation and preventive measures. Earlier her mode of expressing was just crying and nothing else. And now, when she knows different methods to express, she conveys it unknowingly, through fear, dull face, cry, frustration, anger etc. She is still not old enough to know that she needs to make our relation work, but it comes naturally. She also expresses disagreement, shares her moments, consoles me if I cry, hugs me when happy and all that. And after a while, I am sure, I could have great conversations with her, if I could make her understand the smooth process which we need to work on, to carry our relation forward in life without dangerous arguments.

So as adults why it is hard for us to be open and make the relations work out peacefully. After all it just needs bit of understanding other’s expectations and work around it.The channel of communication should be open between both, and there should be acknowledgements. But yes, it needs to be done from both sides.

As they say, one hand cannot create a clap. Yes, you can beat on a wall with one hand to make a sound, but that is not clap.

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