Change is constant it seems. I don’t find any though. I am still struggling to get out of my imaginary cage and fly out in the sky. I know that I have wings and that I can fly but it feels limp. It has been like this for many years. This isolation has brought down the self esteem so low that I can’t stand up now. I was planning to join some class so as to use an opportunity to shake it off and start again. I didn’t go.
Over the years I tried to change many negative beliefs, and sometimes I could see the sunlight grazing beautifully on my skin as I am carried around in ornamental pallequins by loved ones. And once or twice I ventured out myself too. Yet it feels strange because it felt different from how I was years ago. Someone asked me what changed. I didn’t have any answer.
Instagram was my exhibition hall where I showcased my feelings in form of images and less of words assuming that someone or other would understand what I try to convey through random pictures. It was fruitless. How can it be? Unless I verbally spew out what’s in my mind in form of captions or words it’s just another art form. The deep feelings still remain deep, and hidden. I thought I “should” bring them out. The voice of the should became so loud that I forgot that I “can” ignore the “should”. That I can choose what to do. Or what not to do. The should created a picture poster on the wall of my mind with all those people who would see me with their silent eyes and I would be left wondering what those eyes were talking to me. I couldn’t face those thoughts and hence I stopped posting altogether.
Created another Instagram account thinking I would start afresh. The sensible me keeps on scolding me warning me that I was repeating the hideous pattern and urged me to come out clean. I realise now why some people clean out their social media and start afresh. Because it’s easy compared to the real life. And the ability to erase parts of your life is so tempting. But is it needed. Shouldn’t life be a melange of life experiences both positive and negative, all the good, the bad and the ugly?
This post is yet another attempt to bounce back. And bounce back we should, no? And we can…