Shame soothing

Parenting is hard. Teenagers are hard. Everything is hard. What they don’t say is everything becomes easy with communication. Be it with children or teenagers or between spouses. Not sure how much applicable to the society out there. Yesterday there was thunderstorms and lightning and thunder. N was crying because of the sound. The initial response was “what’s there to be afraid of”. Or “why are you being a scary poke”. A normal reaction which we all were raised upon. But not so appropriate if I think back.

I remember being scared in my teens for some different sounds and situations and everywhere it was shaming as a response. I realise now if I had gotten few words of understanding my confidence would not have lost. The power of shame is such that it creeps under our beds and minds unknowingly without us realising it. And then it disturbs our sleep wriggling underneath. We woke up and go about our day but the fatigue remains. It also makes us think not properly when we have to take other decisions. It’s a silent monster lurking like the Onida guy of the 90s smirking at us reminding us of the labelling done in childhood. Just like we get afraid of the darkness monster which we were taught to be afraid of in childhood, we get afraid of this monster too and do many things so as to not get shamed again. Though none would have the time to do the same in our adult years, except for Twitter trolls.

Shaking off this shame monster is hard. Communication works again by rewording and reframing our thoughts in adulthood. But do we want to expose our young ones to this torture when they grow up? Yes they have to learn that world is unfair and that they need to filter out people and ideas on their own. Yes they may need to get hurt and recover. But isn’t this something we can avoid from our part? By taking away the power of shame and labelling from influencing their lives? Or is it just another foolish idea of mine which I am discovering as part of new ways of parenting which the older generation doesn’t approve of.

There are parenting coaches now who teaches parenting methods. Will they replace the side effects of yelling, scolding, spanking or bribing etc or will they be creating new after effects which can be evaluated only in next century? I see most gen Z people not having a goal or motivation in life. They don’t have the competitive spirit which was drilled into us. The power of freedom was curbed through bribing and blackmailing in our times but will that work now. If not what could be the disadvantages. That’s something to think about.

This post was about how shaming and labelling is a foolish idea in parenting. I wonder how many would agree to that considering how as parents we haven’t able to get out of the shackles of shame on our own. Until we grow personally and spiritually will we ever be able to understand the emotions of new generations and look at the big cycles of life.

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