I missed the morning sun today. I was awake, but was immersed in the laptop and mobile. Electronic products which consumes us though they give the pleasure and connections when required. A kind of addiction. How else am I to dispose my brooding thoughts which carve into my inner strength.
There are days when I have not left out of my cocoon, the shell, the home, wanting and waiting for someone to pull me out. It never happens. Mostly I have to pull myself. There are times, when I feel I chained my daughter along with me to this four walls by not sending her to summer camp in May. I get so tired if I take her out, since within minutes of walking, she would get tired, and then I would have to carry her till I reach back home. This invokes my inner mind to ask me, why not get a vehicle, to which I would answer it, “please convince my husband”, as an excuse. The problem is, even if I get a vehicle, I am not sure of myself that I would use it.
This reminds me of the sandwich maker. I love grilled sandwiches, where the bread gets browned with the ridges formed on the surface because of the grill. I was so sure that I needed one, and we finally brought it to our home. But now if I think back, I have done sandwiches only on countable occasions.
So back to the problem again. Her age is to hangout, while the hindrance is my nature. I am a rebel to everyone. I can’t resist questioning, and doesn’t follow blindly. It also makes me vulnerable, and innocently foolish when it comes to the decisions. I never gets the joke at times, and I keep expecting others to pay attention to me, when in reality it need not happen all time. Though I dream of being part of a girly gang, the conversations happens in my mind. The ideas and words rarely come out, and when it does, it would be something unwanted and foolish enough to be discarded. Along with the expectations comes the disappointments which can test my patience and irritability limit.
Isn’t this too personal to write about. Its pessimistic, but that’s the truth. This is what is clouding my actions. For many other people too. The question of ,”What will others think about me, if I do this?”. There are times, when I want to post in a Facebook group, or shout to the world, that I feel lonely, or feeling down, then I realize even if it brings help, ultimately I have to come out myself.
And there is the “What if”s. What if no one responded. Its a human tendency, which people are now aware of, to waive off the negativity and look at only the positive people. Would I respond to a stranger or acquaintance, as in a Facebook groups or twitter, when they post something like this?
Only close friends can ask what happened, but if they were real, I would not ever have asked the question itself.
The sun is now shining onto me. Strange how the elements of the universe, the sun and the moon bear witness to all of your thoughts and actions. A reminder that they can be your true friends if you accept them. The universal energy. Same as your inner strength of the soul.