There was a time when I used to worry about, when the months pass by, because I didn’t had anything to answer what I achieved in the first 6 months etc. This year, I was very calm in answering “nothing much, just keeping myself busy with internet scrolling, reading books, occasional going out and thats it”.
The calmness, with which I accepted and allowed myself to do such nothings, and not judge myself for not rising up to others expectations, is a personal growth to me. Though I see the glimpses of the shadow whispering in the corner of my mind that its not enough, I could notice that the voice has become feeble compared to the previous years. Has this nourished me? I am not sure. This seems similar to how you just leave the plants on its own, without overwatering, without stuffing the soil with compost, but just removing the weeds that crawl onto it that does not allow it to grow, and instead give room to breathe, and space to grow, not disturbing it for a while.
Once the judgements are gone, I could see the world is big enough for everyone. Many people who live in their own world, confidently without bothering what the other says, say lgbt people, divorced people, unmarried people, adults who has left the parents or kids and living their off beaten path, finding their own tribe even if its few and small, maybe isolated but happy and content.
And in the silence that prevails, maybe the answers arrive hazily even if there is no full clarity, unaware of which questions are being answered, but nudging us to take small steps here and there, unknowingly benefiting my life.
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