Mélange – Fears and inspirations

These days, the blog rarely contains the “melange” topics, which was more of a list of unrelated items happening in my life, clubbed with my random thoughts. Nowadays, I think twice, thinking whether its worth writing a post on it, before shelving the topic which came in my mind. And then the loss of inspiration. I did take part in some writing challenges and writing groups, thinking it would boost my morale, and I would get the confidence to write. But the more blogs I read, I started hesitating because of the quality of the blog posts I read. And then some conflicting thoughts, and harsh judgement by other bloggers irritated me more. The result: The blog suffered. I wondered why people want to create rules tempting others to break it or not follow it, and then get judged.

I read some questions and answers on Quora (not that I am a regular reader there) as part of email updates. It really substantiated my thoughts that majority of the people behaved to please others. It can be a matter of debate whether its a right thing to do it or not, but the fact is many people including me think like that. What will others think of my action. What will they think about what I write in blog. Will I get criticized. Will there be any likers. And we ultimately go against the heart, limiting ourselves to outperform rarely. And since we practice our skills very rarely, we never get perfect (Practice makes it perfect proverb?)

I had blogged about the fears I faced, and they are just getting bigger. The realization that I am just shuffling through various skills, rather than concentrating on one, to improve it better, has struck me hard. I seem like a frog, belonging to neither land nor sea. From being in IT manual testing, I have tried being at home, learning to do software development, getting more involved in home interiors while doing mine, doing workshops to see whether I like the field, and then jumping to DSLR and photography. Oh, and in between I also ended up buying an OTG hoping that I would love baking cakes and cookies. Note that I am yet to make one!

And then the life questions gets shooting from all directions. What am I doing. Why I do not have a clear direction of what to do. And some part of mine also becomes the pacifier. It keeps saying, its okay. The conversations keep going on and on inside the mind, unheard by me, but draining me enough to zap out all inspirations to try anything.

To boost the inspirations to bring me back on track, I watch movies. Continuosly for days, till I stumble upon a good one which creates thoughts in my mind and I finally pen down the review. Sometimes, instead of the review, some scenes may inspire to create a plot or short story. In the past month, watched Bangalore Days, 22 Female Kottayam, Om Shanthi Oshana, and Annayum Rasoolum. The new crop of actors in Malayalam movies are superb in choosing the script and performing well. Now back to watching some more…


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